Beginning for beginners

Skateboarding is hard. Well it's hard to be good at it. I know it's hard for you young upstarts out there to really grasp how to skateboard and how to fit in. Lucky you, I am not only awesome, amazing, and gnarly at skateboarding, I am also a really extra cool guy. Follow my easy steps and you will be awesome in no time.

1. FIND A SKATEBOARD
This is easy. Just bug the shit out of your parents for a skateboard. Explain it like this....."I need a skateboard to keep me out of trouble. If I'm skateboarding I will stay out of trouble and off drugs". Little do they know. If this is not an option for you, go to your local skate shop and ask them for old boards and parts. Every shop absolutely adores this.

 

2. LEARN HOW TO THROW YOUR BOARD
This is key. Most people may think that a staple of skateboarding is the ollie. Sure it is if you can manage to figure it out but boy are those first few months hard. You'll need a good way to exhibit your frustrations. (See Kerry Getz) As well as being a great outlet for anger it also gives the appearance that you may have been trying something really hard. It will also give your board some wear to show your parents how much you are using it. If you are a rich kid, focus* as many boards as possible.

 

3.FEAR EVERY LOCAL
Just to make them feel special. Don't get in anyone's way who looks to be older or better than you. If you do get in their way, apologize and go find them a beer. Until they stop referring to you as a lil shit then this is how it goes.

4. SHIT, DID YOU LEARN HOW TO OLLIE YET?
That's an important one.

5.TRY DRUGS
Might as well get this one out of the way early. Hopefully you don't like them.

6.TALK ABOUT TRICKS YOU USED TO HAVE
Plain and simple, after step 5 you won't be able to do most of the tricks you used to be able to do. If you meet a girl at a bar, tell her that you used to be sponsored, that always does the trick.

Well that just about covers it, I think. Stick to the plan.

*Focus- Pure destruction of your skateboard.

DISCLAIMER: This is humor, in no way shape or form am I actually condoning drugs, or aggression towards your skateboard. If you actually needed to rely on this disclaimer though, your an idiot.